it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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