her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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