her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
