I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
