he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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