Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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