Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
