Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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