my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
