I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
