when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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