my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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