I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
