Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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