2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
