Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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