you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
