Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
