Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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