Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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