I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
