why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize