trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it's like iHOP with fire
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
