I think I am morally bankrupt
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You are the jesus of drinking
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
