So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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