So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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