my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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