Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
