Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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