Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
