nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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