youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
