you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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