I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
