im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
