this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
