I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
