I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
