I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
