Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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