Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
