I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
