I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
