just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
