There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize