My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The adults are the big ones right?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
