It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
