I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
