literally had 100 drinks last night.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
