Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
