Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
