Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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