The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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