I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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