My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
