I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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