Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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