I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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