Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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