you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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