my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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