A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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