I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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